The first month of mother living us was the "honeymoon" period. Things went great. It was a new adventure for all us and we were excited for the journey knowing we would hit some rough spots along the way. The honeymoon lasted about 4 weeks.
Mother talked ALL the time about living at The Corinthians Retirement Home where she had lived for almost 5 years. The people there "were closer than family" and she missed them. (So, your own family isn't like family to you??!!) Every time she got upset with me, she was moving back to the "home". If we needed to be gone for the weekend, instead of going to my sister's, she wanted to go to the "home." She called them on several occasions to make arrangements to spend the night when we WERE NOT going anywhere. In her mind, that place was the most wonderful place ever! She didn't remember that at times she wanted to move, that her feelings would get hurt, she didn't like the "gossipy ol' women" that lived there, she didn't have any friends there, that most days she never got out of bed or went to the dining hall for meals. She didn't remember that she had fallen 4 or 5 times and no one knew that she laid in the floor for long periods of time before she was able to get up. Of course, I felt it my duty to tell her how it really was when she lived there and I would explain why she could never go back to live there alone...then the fight was on!
Many times I have gone to my bedroom and cried because my feelings were hurt. Many times I've been just as mad at her as she is at me. When I gave her the daily medicines, she'd tell me that I was not her boss then she'd end up being mad me. Regardless of what I did, everything was my fault. It's very hard not to take it personally. When mother is mad at me, she uses mean words with me and a hateful attitude. I feel like I am a child again not being able to please my mother. We've had witnesses to this behavior and extended family says "put her in an assisted living". One day mother was really, really mad at me about suggesting she take her sleeping pill when she was going to bed, not at 6 in the evening. She thinks it doesn't effect her, but it makes her very sleepy and she gets even more confused, makes no sense when she talks, looses her balance easily, and has even made phone calls leaving strange messages. When I made the suggestion to take it at bed time, she got very angry and told me she wanted to move out immediately. I handled it in such a mature way as I quickly snapped, "That can certainly be arranged...1st thing in the morning!!" (I did repent later.)
I know I am to take care of her for a "season." I don't know how long that will be. I know God wanted my family to take care of her. We knew it would not always be easy just because of personalities. We also didn't realize how far along in the disease she was. We soon realized that we cannot leave her alone. We knew from the beginning this living arrangement would not be permanent but would be a transition period before she would need more care than what I can give her. At first I thought the reason God just wanted her to live with us was just to show love her and be here for her. I now realize that He wanted to teach me some things that I could only learn by going through this experience with her. I've discovered I have a few rough edges He wants to sand off using her as the sander. The sanding has begun....
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The Dreaded News - Alzheimer
The past month has been a roller coaster ride. While we knew the doctor knew mother has alzheimer, she officially told mother the diagnosis a few weeks ago. Of course it was not well received. As I sat listening to the doctor explain it to mother and watch mother's disbelief, I thought "Mother, how can you not know this? You know how forgetful you are!" While mother has been afraid since the late 1990's that she might have the horrid disease, now she doesn't belief it at all and wants a second opinion. Her doctor has been seeing her on a regular basis for 4 years and has watched the downward progression.
Mother lived in a retirement community for the past 5 years. We knew she was forgetful and depressed, but she had just buried her 2nd husband and was still grieving. When the elderly go through the stages of grieving, they often become forgetful and depressed so we believed she would come out of it eventually. She did have a period of time that she was better and enjoyed some of the people also living there but then once again became depressed, slept most of the time, stopped being socialable including not going down to eat at meal time. Her doctor told us a year ago that she needed to move in with one of us or go to an assisted living facility. In our "professional" opinion, we didn't think she was that much worse. Then last March, after she had fallen 4 or 5 times, the doctor told us that is was past time to move her and that we needed to make the move immediately. She gave us 2 months to get it done. After MUCH discussion, mother decided that she wanted to move in with my family. On May 31, we moved her into our home.
Major changes had to be made on my family's part - rearranging all of upstairs, adjusting to "Nannie" always being here, reducing the noise level (boys & video games can be loud), etc. Several times she would get confused and go into one of their rooms thinking it was her room. We had several funny episodes of her walking in on them. But both boys and Randy were willing to make the adjustments so we could take care of her.
We hoped being around family and active life would help with her depression and help her not want to stay in bed all day. It seemed to work for the first month, then the honeymoon was over. Additionally, after only a week, we knew she was much worse than we had thought. The disease was more progressed than we realized.
I've experienced more emotional days over the past 4 1/2 months than I have in all of my life put together. On her bad days, everything is my fault. My feelings have been hurt, I've been angry with her, I've felt sorry for her, I've laughed until I've cried, I've worried, and I've felt gratitude for her. Tears have flowed like a river on some days. But each time, God assures me of His loving presence and that I am not alone. I must lean on Him to get through each day.
Mother lived in a retirement community for the past 5 years. We knew she was forgetful and depressed, but she had just buried her 2nd husband and was still grieving. When the elderly go through the stages of grieving, they often become forgetful and depressed so we believed she would come out of it eventually. She did have a period of time that she was better and enjoyed some of the people also living there but then once again became depressed, slept most of the time, stopped being socialable including not going down to eat at meal time. Her doctor told us a year ago that she needed to move in with one of us or go to an assisted living facility. In our "professional" opinion, we didn't think she was that much worse. Then last March, after she had fallen 4 or 5 times, the doctor told us that is was past time to move her and that we needed to make the move immediately. She gave us 2 months to get it done. After MUCH discussion, mother decided that she wanted to move in with my family. On May 31, we moved her into our home.
Major changes had to be made on my family's part - rearranging all of upstairs, adjusting to "Nannie" always being here, reducing the noise level (boys & video games can be loud), etc. Several times she would get confused and go into one of their rooms thinking it was her room. We had several funny episodes of her walking in on them. But both boys and Randy were willing to make the adjustments so we could take care of her.
We hoped being around family and active life would help with her depression and help her not want to stay in bed all day. It seemed to work for the first month, then the honeymoon was over. Additionally, after only a week, we knew she was much worse than we had thought. The disease was more progressed than we realized.
I've experienced more emotional days over the past 4 1/2 months than I have in all of my life put together. On her bad days, everything is my fault. My feelings have been hurt, I've been angry with her, I've felt sorry for her, I've laughed until I've cried, I've worried, and I've felt gratitude for her. Tears have flowed like a river on some days. But each time, God assures me of His loving presence and that I am not alone. I must lean on Him to get through each day.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
A Lot Has Changed Since My Last Blog!
Well, I was shocked when I logged on to post and discovered I haven't blogged since 2009! Where did the last 2 years go? A lot has happened but instead of listing out everything happening in my life, I'm sure most of it will come up as I just begin again.
Last week we took our last of 4 children, the baby, and dropped him off at college. Well, not really "dropped off", we stayed 2 1/2 days to make sure he had everything he needed. I know...pathetic. But it was the baby! And while over the last 18 years, I wondered if the day would ever come that we would be empty nesters, the day suddenly seemed to arrive out of nowhere. I felt like I had only blinked and the baby was grown. So it was a little tougher saying goodbye to him because there were no other little ones to come home to.
However, instead of our plan (for ALL our lives) of becoming an empty nesters, God had a slightly different plan. My 83 year old mother moved in with us. We'll be talking about Alzheimers later. Needless to say, things are not as we'd planned but the distraction of her being here has probably helped ease the adjustment of our son not being just upstairs everyday.
So I am one week into my new phase of life....and God, I don't think this is what I meant to sign up for.
Last week we took our last of 4 children, the baby, and dropped him off at college. Well, not really "dropped off", we stayed 2 1/2 days to make sure he had everything he needed. I know...pathetic. But it was the baby! And while over the last 18 years, I wondered if the day would ever come that we would be empty nesters, the day suddenly seemed to arrive out of nowhere. I felt like I had only blinked and the baby was grown. So it was a little tougher saying goodbye to him because there were no other little ones to come home to.
However, instead of our plan (for ALL our lives) of becoming an empty nesters, God had a slightly different plan. My 83 year old mother moved in with us. We'll be talking about Alzheimers later. Needless to say, things are not as we'd planned but the distraction of her being here has probably helped ease the adjustment of our son not being just upstairs everyday.
So I am one week into my new phase of life....and God, I don't think this is what I meant to sign up for.
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